-- YELLOW.
There's a very fuzzy timeframe I think about from 2021 that I can't seem to move on from. It's mostly remembered by feelings rather than events, but here's how I recall it.
It was late at night and I was on call with a few of my close friends. It was early summertime and I was getting ready to go on vacation for the first time in forever. I felt like I really deserved a break after all the shit I'd gone through in the past years, so I was really looking forward to getting a chance to just unwind away from home for a little while.
My friends were playing through Night in the Woods, a game I hold dear to my heart. I remember bursting into uncontrollable laughter and comedic disgust because my best friend Wen was fucking up all the songs you have to play because I guess they were either too lazy to do it or there was some sort of issue where they couldn't... And also because Angus was wiggling his paw on screen when you go to reach for the pizza and that absolutely destroyed me.
I remember jamming to the songs from the NITW soundtrack in my bedroom as I packed, filming a few clips for a travel with me tiktok. My friends ended up playing a few other games while I got distracted and sat on the floor with my back pressed against the side of my bed, scrolling through my phone listening to music.
I remember looking up at my monitor in the dim light of my room and hearing us all laughing together so fondly, glancing down at my phone with my heart warm, and opening my camera app to film that brief little moment of pure, unfiltered joy. I remember capturing that moment because I wanted it to last forever. I wanted that feeling of weightlessness to be infinite. To be remembered. Because God, the love my friends wrapped me in felt scarily like the warmth of my favorite song at the time- Yellow by Coldplay.
My yellow matching icons with a boy I liked, the yellow walls of my hallway where my brother decided to put my laptop out of my reach, the yellow of my lunchables I got at a gas station as we finally took off on our roadtrip, the yellow of the morning sun, the yellow of my breakfast eggs... Looking back, I think yellow really describes that time. Yellow umbrellas on the beach, yellow hotel, yellow fish in the aquarium, yellow pineapple on my plate, my brother's bright yellow hat...
So, Yellow was the song I dedicated to my best friends at the time- A comfort song repeatedly on loop.
When I left for vacation, I ended up feeling really conflicted and depressed during most of it. I wasn't ungrateful, I really was so happy to be out of the house, but there were a few personal issues I had going on even while trying to enjoy my relaxation time. It was rough, I combatted deeply with my destructive urges and intrusive thoughts.
I recall at some point we had stopped in a parking garage for a brief moment. We had been discussing something or other, god if I know. I was never really paying attention much back then because I was so chronically dissociated and detached. I was far more fascinated by the oddly bright yellow walls inside the eerie, empty parking garage. So while everyone chatted and planned, I set up my phone and decided to do what I do best. Enjoy the scenery.
I danced to my heart's content in that corner of the parking garage while my music played through my earbuds. I embraced the creepy unease of the room around me, eager to be on my way from one location to another. At least it was a stop that I could find a little bit of joy in.
I remember once we had gotten to our location and were out doing activities, I laid in the trunk of my parent's car while it rained, the sky a comforting twinge of yellow while I relaxed for a little texting the boy I liked, awestruck by how much I adored him. He said something about loving the rain and if he were there with me, he'd draw silly shapes and smiles in his breath against the foggy glass. I felt at peace. I repeated in my head that the song Yellow by Coldplay was a song that reminded me so vividly of you.
I recall being restless one night in the hotel and taking my phone out, scrolling tiktok mindlessly to just take my mind off... Well, my mind. I remembered the video I was making earlier and decided now, in the peace of the night where the world finally went quiet, where I felt... suffocated in the depth of my misery amidst a time that should've been enjoyable, I wanted to feel the calmness. I wanted to feel home. I wanted that comfort, that familiarity back that I had felt not too long ago.
I hit record.
I captured the room around me, empty yellow walls bathed in the dingy light of the singular TV. I captured the walls around me that felt uneasy, and yet so strangely comfortable in that moment.
I remember the photos I sent of the endless ocean engulfed by the gloomy, foggy beyond. I remember standing on that balcony at night and watching all the people below go about their lives as the distant lightning flickered along the skyline. I remember the wind in my hair, my grip on the cold iron railing, my feet on the edge.
And I remember stepping away with a heavy sigh, drawn back inside by the brain-numbing beckoning of the disgusting yellow hotel walls.
To the boy I liked that was there for me through the dark moments during what should've been an enjoyable time... I hope you are safe. Thank you for the five years together as best friends. Even though I have no idea about your life anymore and vice versa, I pray you know that your impact on my life is just as special to me as mine was to you.
To my friends that kept me sane through the depths of my depression, my joyful yellow in a sea of darkness, I am blessed to have had your brightness in my life. There is no warmer feeling than the love in my chest for you all.It was all yellow.
No comments:
Post a Comment